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'I Don't Deserve This': How Angelenos Cope When Their Homes Survive

survivor's guiltMental health experts provide guidance on coping with survivor's guilt in LA communities affected by wildfires
January 31, 2025
Sowjanya Pedada - LA Post

The question haunts Los Angeles neighborhoods like smoke that won't clear: 'Why was I spared?' As wildfires carved an arbitrary path through communities, leaving some homes standing and others in ashes, survivors find themselves grappling with an unexpected aftermath - the crushing weight of good fortune.

In Altadena, where the devastation creates a stark checkerboard of loss, mental health experts are witnessing a surge in what they call survivor's guilt, a complex psychological burden that's proving as persistent as the smell of smoke in the air.

According to the LA Times, Diana Winston, director of Mindfulness Education at the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, identifies survivor's guilt as a "constellation of feelings" encompassing despair, hopelessness, guilt, and shame. Mental health experts say these emotions have become increasingly common among residents whose properties remained unscathed.

Winston recommends a mindfulness technique called the RAIN method, which stands for "recognize, allow, investigate and nurture," to help individuals process their emotions. "I think people, without a mindfulness background, they can work a little bit with RAIN," Winston says. "This is what I am feeling, and it is OK to have this feeling. It makes my stomach clench and I can breathe and feel a little bit better."

The psychological impact extends beyond those directly affected by the fires. Chris Tickner and Andrea-Marie Stark, romantic and professional partners operating Pasadena's California Integrative Therapy, are uniquely positioned as both survivors and mental health providers. Their Altadena home survived while surrounding properties were devastated.

"Most of us do not want to express our suffering when others have suffered more because we do not want them to feel bad," Tickner says in the article. "It says we care about people a lot, so much so that we are willing to be stoic and not express ourselves."

Mary-Frances O'Connor, grief researcher and author of "The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love and Loss," introduces the concept of "shattered assumptions" to explain the psychological impact. The term, she says, addresses how traumatic events force individuals to reconsider their basic beliefs about how the world operates.

"Events like loss and trauma shatter those assumptions," O'Connor says. "It is not that we never develop new ways of thinking about the world, it is that it takes time to address questions like, 'What do I deserve?'"

Mental health professionals emphasize the importance of the "dual process model" in grief recovery. "When we are grieving, there is loss and restoration to deal with," O'Connor says. "Restoration can be reaching out and helping our neighbors. We need a moment to have a drink and cry and talk with a person who hugs us. The key to mental health is being able to do 

both."

Jessica Leader, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Root to Rise Therapy in Los Angeles, reports that survivor's guilt dominates therapy sessions. "Every single person, no matter what they have experienced, has started their session by saying, 'I am so lucky. I do not have a right to complain,'" Leader says. She warns against this mindset, noting that suppressing emotions can lead to isolation.

Shannon Hunt, 54, an arts teacher whose central Altadena home survived while her workplace, Aveson School of Leaders, did not, describes the challenge of accepting support. "Every time I cry, every time I feel broken, I think I do not deserve that, because someone else has it worse," Hunt says. "That is stupid, intellectually. I understand that is not right, but it is how you feel."

Traditional self-care approaches may prove challenging for survivors. Hunt declines a friend's spa day offer, explaining, "I would just start bawling on the table. I cannot imagine sitting in a hot tub. My brain is spinning. That kind of self-care would not work for me right now."

Stark advocates for accepting even small gestures of support. She shares a personal experience of initially hesitating to take food from neighbors. "We are staying at a friend's right now, and their neighbors came over and they said, 'We made too much pasta. Do you want some?'" Stark says. She emphasizes the therapeutic value of accepting help, noting how the warm meal provided comfort despite her distress.

Winston suggests focusing on the "nurture" aspect of the RAIN method by turning attention toward others. "A lot of people are feeling guilt, fear, and panic, and what we can do is turn our attention out toward other people," Winston says. It tends to help people not be lost in their own reactivity."

Mental health experts acknowledge the difficulty of practicing mindfulness during trauma. "There needs to be a caveat," Tickner says. "Practicing mindfulness right now is really hard."

Stark recommends simplified coping strategies such as "talking to friends, talking about how you feel, writing it down, making art, listening to music." She emphasizes the long-term benefits of these practices, explaining that each activity creates new neuronal patterns that expand "selfhood, ability and that wonderful word we use called 'resilience.'"

Local mental health organizations continue to provide support services throughout Los Angeles, with many therapists offering specialized assistance for fire-related trauma. Resources remain available through community centers and mental health clinics across the affected areas.

Mental health professionals stress that survivor's guilt while challenging, indicates deep empathy. They encourage residents to acknowledge their feelings while remaining connected to their community, emphasizing that healing occurs through processing grief and engaging in restoration activities.

Related Articles:

  1. Stunned and tearful, Angelenos return to find their homes are gone 
  2. 'Like a warzone,' Los Angeles wildfire survivors relive night of fear and panic

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