Tired of man-ologues on dates, single women just want to be heard too

In recent years, a concerning pattern has emerged in the dating world: many women report going on dates with men who talk excessively about themselves while showing little interest in their date's life or perspective. Countless videos have surfaced on social media of women sharing their frustrations after enduring dates that felt more like sitting through self-centered monologues than engaging in a balanced, reciprocal conversation. TikToker @agracefulgrin user shared, "Two hours of my life...no questions about myself. Can I tell you anything about the guy? Oh yeah. I can tell you a lot. Maybe more than his therapist."

This experience is becoming all too common, as discussions with single women make clear. Rosie Stewart, a tech sales professional in London, recounted a date when the man only asked her a single question late in the evening, and only then, while talking with his mouth full. By that point, Stewart had learned intimate details of the man's family history, like how his grandparents met, yet he knew virtually nothing about her. Many women can relate to the familiar scenario of politely listening and nodding along on dates while the man dominates the conversation, displaying little curiosity about the woman across from him. 

So, what's behind this widespread and exasperating dating dynamic? Relationship and communication expert Dr. Sandra L. Faulkner believes the issue is partly rooted in how dating has evolved in the age of apps and online matchmaking. Rather than relying on natural chemistry and in-person conversation, dating has become a gamified process that can resemble an uneasy mix of online shopping and job interviews. In a capitalist, hyper-individualistic culture, many men seem to treat dates as a chance to sell themselves and showcase their value, neglecting the fact that the interaction should be about building a genuine two-way connection.

Some point to the increasingly blurred boundaries between dating and corporate culture as a factor contributing to men's interview-like approach. The popular dating app Bumble has a professional networking spinoff called Bumble Bizz, and stories abound of singles using LinkedIn to seek dates rather than jobs. Men appear to be prioritizing self-promotion over demonstrating interest in their potential partner. "We are not giving one another time to make a few mistakes and engage in a true dialogue of back and forth," notes Dr. Sandra Faulkner.

However, writer Grace Flynn told Independent UK, she proposes a more unsettling explanation that could underlie some men's failure to ask questions and truly get to know their dates. Flynn went out with a man who spent their dates talking at length but put minimal effort into learning about her. She eventually concluded he had no real interest in discovering who she was, as that might shatter the idealized version of her he had constructed based on her looks and the fact that she listened attentively. "Why would a man ask you questions if the answers jeopardize the version of you he wants you to be?" Flynn incisively asks. Dating a narcissist can leave you feeling unheard and unknown.

Experts say traditional gender roles and communication styles also play a part. Dr. Faulkner observes, "Women and men are socialized into different communication patterns. Women are valued for being nice and agreeable, which often means not being assertive. Men, on the other hand, are taught to be aggressive and to take the lead." These dynamics get amplified in dating situations. Even after glaringly one-sided dates, some men seem unaware of any problem, still going in for kisses or following up afterward as if everything went smoothly.

Increased social isolation during the pandemic likely worsened the issue by eroding face-to-face communication skills. Some speculate that in the post- #MeToo era, certain men may be overcompensating by talking more in a misguided effort to take pressure off women on dates. Additionally, since men often avoid discussing personal issues with each other, they may over-rely on women as sounding boards. Dating a narcissist man can be draining if you're constantly acting as his therapist rather than an equal partner.

Ultimately, while male narcissism may contribute to the "men don't ask questions on dates" phenomenon, experts warn against oversimplifying it as just a gendered issue. People of any gender can tend towards self-involved rambling. Men's privileged position in society may simply grant them more leeway to do so without repercussion. Women also seem more apt to publicly voice complaints about bad dates, fostering a perception that this behavior is unique to men when it may be more pervasive.

So what's the solution? Having women call men out on social media seems an imperfect fix, as algorithms may limit the reach of such critiques to other disheartened single women rather than the men who need to see them most. Dr. Faulkner advises modeling better communication, encouraging both women and men to "learn to ask questions of yourself and your relational partners. Respect yourself and your ideas. Be assertive with your needs. And always listen." If a date feels like a monologue, subtly redirecting the conversation can illuminate whether nerves or a more troubling lack of interest is at the root.  

On a societal level, examining how technology and cultural conditioning may be distorting the quest for human connection could catalyze positive change. Meanwhile, those navigating the choppy waters of modern dating can take solace in realizing they're not alone in encountering the one-sided date dilemma. By striving to exemplify the thoughtful curiosity and reciprocal dialogue they hope to find in a partner, daters can help nudge the dating landscape in a more rewarding direction for everyone. Keeping these dating tips in mind - to ask questions, listen actively, and maintain balance - can help you avoid a narcissistic relationship and find a fulfilling partnership built on mutual care and interest.