Why Some Friends Only Text Back When They Need a Favor

We've all had that one individual in our circle who stays quiet on our text messages for hours, and sometimes days. When they finally respond, it's often because they require something. If you've found yourself in this situation, you might be dealing with a "textertunist." A textertunist is someone who seems to behave opportunistically through text messaging. They often reply to your messages only when they need a favor or see a benefit in the conversation. This behavior can be exasperating, particularly when you're left hanging, waiting for a reply. If it's a recurring issue, you might even feel somewhat used.

Clinical psychologist Aarti Gupta, from TherapyNest in Palo Alto, California, suggests that the person sending the initial message might start feeling that the relationship leans more towards being utilitarian or functional, rather than equal and mutual. Texting isn't a casual communication method; it's central to how we maintain connections with those around us. In a 2014 Gallup poll, it was highlighted that for Americans under 50, texting had become the primary communication mode. Furthermore, a study from 2016 focusing on millennials indicated that 75% would opt for a texting-only cellphone over a call-only device.

Nicole Saunders, a North Carolina-based therapist, emphasizes that texting represents an emotional investment we make in our relationships. If the interactions feel continuously one-sided or seem like mere transactions, it could lead to feelings of lacking support, or worse, feeling exploited. However, it's vital to understand that not all textertunists act out of malice. Saunders points out that many individuals are inundated with a barrage of electronic messages daily, from emails and direct messages to various text messages. The issue might not be about you being ignored; it could be about them feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of digital communication.

One person, Sophie Y., discussed her husband's texting habits. She considers him the caring, do-anything-for-you individual, yet he's a notoriously bad texter. He often doesn't reply to her day-time messages but might message her out of the blue if he needs something. Not everyone is adept at juggling multiple text conversations. People with conditions like anxiety or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, or those simply swamped, might find timely message replies challenging.

Saunders advocates for extending the benefit of the doubt to the textertunist. Rather than forming conclusions that might strain the relationship, she suggests making a direct phone call to inquire if there's a deeper issue at play. In wrapping up, while managing a textertunist can be trying, it's essential to recognize that their behavior isn't always intentionally hurtful. By understanding their possible challenges and initiating a conversation, we can nurture more transparent and effective communication in our relationships.